I’ve been a judgmental bitch.
There was a time I approached everything with the curiosity to understand. Even what I considered the most heinous of ideas would drive an almost childlike wonder about how someone landed so far from my own ideas; what in my life drew me down one path, and what in someone else’s life drew them down another?
Sometime between realizing my country was never what I thought was and watching me and my fellow citizens try to make sense of our volatile, dangerous, and frightening world stage with its plague and systematic brutality, my compassion gave way to judgment; my thirst for connection and understanding was incinerated by my horror at what we, as a species, are capable of.
Add to that, or perhaps exacerbated by that, I had my own spectacular melt down from an unrelated-to-world-events event. Which nailed the coffin in which my compassion had been laid to rest.
There is one person in my life who challenges me like no other; and for whom I’m eternally grateful. I don’t mean the hands-up-against-the-wall, beat-you-down kind of challenge but the challenge of curiosity; the sincere wondering what, how, and why I’m thinking what I’m thinking or experiencing what I’m experiencing.
And the realization that I’d come so far down the path of judgment leaving compassion as a mere glimmer in my eye was because of this person’s curiosity. This person pried those coffin nails up and threw back the lid, allowing me to take a deep breath and reminded me of what I’d lost.
I suppose I still needed space to be upset and angry about my own loss as well as the suffering on the world stage (and grief can be difficult and ugly), but it’s time now for me to accept that loss; to understand that this is the state of things; and to remember that my path isn’t to lead an army. My role is that of the small cog in the middle of a vast machine; it is to interact with people one-on-one. To meet them where they are and to share our knowledge and wisdom with one another. To do that effectively, I must come from a place of understanding, empathy, and compassion. This is my home, and it’s where I (sometimes uncomfortably) belong.
I’m not home yet, but I’m in the driveway, and I know what’s around the corner.